Just to brighten your day

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:42 pm

wow. Imagine that.

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:35 pm

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Wed Dec 02, 2009 10:01 pm

(Haven't done one of these in a while.)

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If K Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

Ever notice how the people who are late are usually much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:09 pm

For all us out there who love winter.

The Optimist sees a half frozen glass as a skating rink.
The Pessimist sees a half frozen glass as a tongue trap.
The realist sees that inside the glass is a Popsicle.

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Sun Jan 24, 2010 10:28 pm

O x y m o r o n s

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:06 am

Live life or die trying- Alex Gordy (aka Drakontis)

Life is like a box of chocolates laced with Cyanide- Alex Gordy

Ever notice how you can have your eggs over easy but not under difficult?

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Mon Feb 08, 2010 3:59 pm

We have reason to believe that man first walks upright to free his hands for masturbation. - Lily Tomlin

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Thu Feb 11, 2010 7:44 am

"Live fast, Die young, and leave a beautiful corpse" James Dean

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:58 am

Give a man a picture of a naked lady, give him pleasure for a day. Teach a man to look up porn on the internet, pleasure him for a lifetime.

XD

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Thu May 20, 2010 3:43 pm

I heard these funny quotes from a grade 8 comedian at a school talent show. They certainly made me laugh.
(And no offense to any Rednecks out there)

You might be a Redneck Jokes
If your brother says he bought a new house and you volunteer to take the tires off, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbour comes to your front door and asks if he can hunt in your front yard, you might be a redneck.

If you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company, you might be a redneck.

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Mon Sep 20, 2010 6:45 pm

Funny quotes about friendship.

When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

When you are confused, I will use little words.

When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my rear off!!

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:55 pm

Randomly found some of these in my agenda. I got to look through this more.

"Behind every great fortune there is a crime." Honore de Balzac

"All power corrupts, but we need electricity." Haythum R. Khalid

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." William Shakespeare

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:13 pm

Been a while since I've done one of these, but these ones were quite good.

These all come from a South American airline. What I want to know is, why can't I ever get someone like these people when I fly?

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Fri Mar 15, 2013 7:54 pm

Adding on to the last one I did here.

I recently went on a trip in which the stewardess said this over the PA system.
"In accordance with airline policies, all West Jet flights are non smoking. Anyone caught smoking during the flight will be asked to leave the aircraft immediately."

The fun part was that we were already in the air when she said it.

At the end of the flight, we had to stay on to continue to the next destination. We hear this over the PA.
"For those of you continuing on to Abbotsford, I have some bad news for you. We won't be coming with you."

They were so funny that I was upset that they weren't.

Subject: Re: Just to brighten your day Fri Mar 15, 2013 7:57 pm

Good puns for educators that I'd thought I'd share.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'